Monday, 16 January 2017

Reflection and confessions

Source


Reflecting on my life is not something I particularly enjoy doing;  in fact, I quite literally actively avoid it. I am my own worst critic and I tend to be very hard on myself when things “don’t go according to plan” even if they’re beyond my control. The past four years have just kind of blended together in a goalless blur with no defining moments separating them and I feel so very stuck. The fear of facing the cumulative time, energy and resources  I cannot physically account and atone for is damn near paralyzing  and  completely overshadows any sense of joy and accomplishment from the fruits of my labour. . .thats if there are any. If want to change this, I’m going to have to face the music and set goals for myself, write them down so I can see them and crush them. Lets do this.

School

This has to be the one area I have disappointed myself the most in. Did I tell you guys I’m doing a biochemistry degree at the University of Kwa-Zulu Natal? My academics were in serious jeopardy last semester when my health took a serious turn for the worst. I can’t tell if my efforts to remedy this situation have been in vain or not because I haven’t checked out my results yet. Luckily for me, in a contingency effort for the disturbances caused by the #feesmustfall protests, the university has decided not to academically exclude anybody from the 2016 academic year so my future may not be so bleek in that regard except that my degree may take longer than I have expected. The issue with my health is a complicated one and no it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m a fat woman. Don’t try it.I don’t know what these results hold for me but I want, no , Need an aggregate of at least 75% this semester. Firstly because I want the best for myself and its been a while since I have set actual academic goal like that and secondly because I may stand a chance to get some funds that will go towards any modules I may have to repeat. Fingers crossed guys.Although I won’t be putting my business out there like that if it doesn’t work out. As far as you know, my life is just peachy.

Creating Content

Look I don’t know where I’m going with it but all I know is sitting in front of a camera, talking and writing about stuff is something I enjoy doing and anything worth doing is worth doing well.  Although procrastinating would ever so silently creep in and entice me with glorious hours of  sweet nothings, content creation did have to take a backseat a number of times last year because of my issues and priorities however with lots of planning, scheduling and time management, a minimum of three blog posts and videos per week seems like a doable and achievable goal. I need to master this consistency game. Speaking of which, I need to work on my time management. Doing things in advance needs to become a habit because 2016 and the unpredictability of life in general showed me flames.
My blog design needs a serious update and I need to buy a domain but the trouble is, my budget isn’t very forgiving. Being a University student, one thing I have in abundance is wifi so I will be spending a good 2-4 days learning how to code blogspot designing it myself with the help of online tutorials. I think I’ve done a good job so far if I do say so myself. I might even take a class or two to improve my writing.

Business Prospects

Business prospects are something I thought I would only venture into around my 30s; you know, when I have a stable income and resources. But here’s the thing, a few people around campus know I have a camera and makeup and they tell their friends, and their friends contact me asking me to take their money, beat their faces and take photos of them. When I bought this stuff, Photography and makeup artistry were never the plan. Between Studying, blogging and creating youtube videos, I will be practicing on a few people kind enough to lend me their faces and bodies and see how far I can take this. Won’t hurt to explore the market now will it? Hopefully I will be good enough to render my services by graduation season.

Stuff

I was hoping to get an opportunity to travel and collect stories of Southern Africa’s tribal history starting with my own but that seems highly unlikely . I’ll be spending some time trying to mend relationships with some of my family members I’ve isolated myself from over the years and getting over my social issues and fat girl gym guilt which I think this deserves a blog post of its own because it stems from my relatively newfound body positivity. Also there is my hair which has been looking quite thin lately and also needs a blog post of its own.
Most importantly, I need to try to take it easy and not be so hard on myself. . .nah. If I could I’d administer my own a$$ whoopings when I mess up.

Okay that’s all I dare to share for now. I’ll do an update post at the beginning of the second semester
 We made it into 2017 guys. I wish you all the best.
Don’t be a stranger.


Monday, 19 December 2016

Two Plussize December Looks


Summer. . . heat, mosquitoes, flies, family members trying to regulate your ultramel intake. The cup is really half empty with this one. The plan was to actually go somewhere with people, do stuff and fill it up with summer beverages but that was a bust because I have to stay in school and study for my two deferred exams. I wouldn't have made it if I actually sat for the mains. I even had outfits planned and everything. I was hoping the people things and places part was going to work itself out although judging from my past record on such things, it would have been highly unlikely.





I had already given up on that when I took the pictures below but then I got invited to a brunch/luncheon conversation by Zarh, a fellow student developing her brand and my social anxiety screamed no! Besides me not knowing anybody at that event, I am always extremely uncomfortable around people, an absolute mess but then I thought Mvumikazi, try something different, besides, I wanted to meet the young black businesswomen; their launch parties and high teas were the talk of the campus. As self conscious and a nervous wreck as I was, I think I handled the whole thing quite well. . .except of course the part where I called champagne "fancy umqombothi ". *facepalm* Don't judge me! It was my first time drinking the stuff. Thank you Zarh !!!🙋🙋🙋





I've never really attended one of these events and was unclear about the dresscode so I decided to go for something easy. . . my cold shoulder top from last year, some harem pants/jumpers i got from Legit and the very pretty shoes from The Fix. Soooo Shiiinyyyyy. They also come in a copper brown colour. The outfit looked great when I was shooting in it but then for some reason looked so unflattering and uncomfortable at said event. Did I mension how nervous I was.








A quick change into faux wrap around skirt also from the fix and the look becomes girly girl. This skirt doesn't have a very interesting backstory accompanying it except that its very oddly made. The back is shorter than the front and may not fully accommodate a fuller hind quaters. I thought my sishwapha and I would get away away with it but nope, it rides up even if I don't wear it as a high waist skirt. . .Theres a potentially good outfit gone to waist. Isn't it just cute?!  I Should know coz I generally don't do cute. I usually throw in something like boots some skull related article of clothing or a backpack to make it more "me" but I've been slowly trying to get into this girly girl thing. Its actually really not that bad. Until of course somebody complements you and ruins everything. I'll explain later. I'm telling you, if I had my sewing machine and similar materiel, I would fix this skirt right up or just remake it.














The shoes just do it for me in both outfits. And to think, I almost missed out on them because of how tight the front band is.Wide feet people stay missing out on cute shoes but as with most of my clothing, a little squeezing, forcing, tightness and bone cracking pain with every step I take, I juuuust managed to fit into them. They're so shiny!!


So what do you think? What are your go to outfits this summer? Let  me know in the comments below.
Happy holidays!

Sunday, 11 December 2016

Summer Makeup Lovin'





I know, I know, thats an autumnal/winter but I'm kind of over summer already, plus I couldn't wear it these past seasons because I couldn't find any good brown lipstick around Pietermaritzburg. Most trends generally pass me by and I have 2 ways of looking at it ;
1) At least I won't get FOMO
2) What the hell?! I deserve nice things too!

I'm usually not in the know when it comes to things in the now because I figure, "why break your heart with would be's should be's and could be''s?They always seem impossible to find in my area, break the bank, not come in my size/shade so I actively avoid them. Let them pass me by like I live under a rock or something. Also, THIS is what happens when I miss out on them, I try to make up for them at the most inappropriate times.
With my limited resources, doing/wearing whatever the hell is always far fetched. Nude lips, summer glow, dewy facebeat, I missed out on awesome makeup in general at the beginning of this year. I didn't even know a foundation from a concealer then but after spending the year putting my makeup collection together, I dare summer to rear is dragon neck so I can slay it while I balance a basket full of mealies on my head. Here's some of the stuff I'm reaching for this season.










EYES
Nudes, smokey eye, mono, neon, glitter you name it. I'm making up for all the seasonal eye shadow have nots with my trusty Beauty treats professionals palate. Its been the perfect walking ring for learning my way around eye shadows, creating different looks with its 130 different colours, how to get the perfect blend withe the help of my nyx eyeshadow primer with a few sweeps of Yardley transluscent powder on top of it as a base.Also, its affordability  eases the infamous ''hitting pan" anxiety.  I may not have "fancy'' palates to help me gauge its quality but I think it may be good enough to use together with my incoming Morphe pallet. I picked up two essence pallets with rose and gold colour schemes and let me tell you, thos summer glow look are about to be outchea! 
I'm a huge fan of a good wing but my hooded eyes and curled eyelashes make creating the perfect shape a bit of a hassle which is why I find myself reaching for the Essence liquid ink waterproof eyeliner a lot more than I do the Smashbox gel liner which tends to put up a better fight against my involuntary tears that the Essence liner. Do you see my dilemma here?




 Face

Oily skin and sweat can do a number on a good facebeat and with production bumped up a few notches on account of the weather, I trust my L'Oreal mattifying primer to keep my makeup in place. I love the Infallible foundation for a matte look or the Smashbox Fond de Teint Hd foundation for a fresh dewy skin-like finish which I am reeeeally feeling for this summer over my LA girl orange colour corrector to cover up any obvious imperfections.
For dimension To help guide the Lords light, I highlight the area under my eyes, my forehead, chin and nose, with the ever faithful LA pro concealer in fawn and set that in place with the Yardley London loose powder in caramelized to avoid creasing . While I am yet to discover the joys of cream contouring, the smashbox highlight and contour pallat in deep has the perfect compact contour powder to snatch these cheeks and a beautifully orange bronzer that is so subtle it seems to disappear into my skin but is perfect for a seamless transition between the baked area and the contour.













I love the muave look, and I was so bummed out when every lipstick I purchased looks so weird on me on account of my deeper skin tone and being unable to find good lip liner to make the lipstick look. . .not weird. When I bought the Yardley Stayfast and wet n wild lipsticks I decided swatching lipsticking just on the back of my hand just wasn't going to cut it anymore and was going to make me go broke very fast. I carried my Beautique lipbrush and my Wet n wild nude lipstick which I've had for a few months unable to wear it on account of the contrast between it and my deeper skin tone. For the life of me, I could not find the right brown to line my lips so I could not wear the nude lip until I tried it withe the Yardley London stayfast lipstick in sienna which is an orange toned brown and it worked like a charm. Now I just won't stop wearing the two looks.
I also bought my first Mac lipstick when I simple could not find a good brown matte lipstick . . .in spring. . .to make up for autumn. . . .Don't judge me! 






Wednesday, 7 December 2016

#GetSibuToLA

Hi yall.

So there's this youtuber but the name of Sibu Mpanza. Cool guy,makes awesome content and needs land money ans to go to LA.
He entered this competition called break the net sponsored by Cell Centre and needs about 3000 views the be in first place. Do me a favour and click on the link below to watch his video and only watch this video. He needs as many views as possible to win.Also please share it as well.
https://youtu.be/hB0nv3p_88A
https://youtu.be/hB0nv3p_88A

I know it's tantalising but please don' watch the other #breathenet videos .  thanks .

Friday, 18 November 2016

Hair woes




You might have seen or heard me mention this patch of hair at the back of my hair that just won’t grow in a blog post or video but after taking down my first set of braids a few weeks ago, I realised that this phenomenon may not necessarily be confined to just that area.

Oh, where are are my manners, Hello. Its been a while. Life recently threw me some major curveballs. Damn near put my academics into serious jeopardy but I'm happy to say I've managed to remedy the situation and I'm eligible to write exams for all of my modules. The curve balls however are the tricky kind, very hard to duck. . .or take a good swing at. I've totally destroyed that expression. *shrug*. Anyways, back to the hair





Sure I’m focusing on the health of my hair but I can’t say I have managed to completely silence the voice at back of my head that incessantly swoons at the ''could be" length of my coils. I have been daydreaming of the weight of my massive afro finally giving up its desperate fight against gravity and joining the dance of the wind while I’m out picking mealies from our garden this festive season but my progress is proving to be a disappointing. Yeah you heard me, I spend my festive season hoeing the ground emasimini with a 20 litre bucket of water permanently stuck to my head.
Having a gravity defying head of hair is exciting and all but I miss my massive puff and the feeling of my coils grazing my ear and the back of my neck. Where the hell did all my hair go? Whats with the stunted growth? All I can manage now are the same 2 flat twists I did back when I decided to stay off the weave for a while, except thinner. No progress whatsoever

2014 Gym bunny hair
Current hair. . .tragic


The only conclusion I can draw is that there's somethings going on inside me. See,when I was really into working out and sweating all the time, my hair grew like it was on steroids so its only natural that I assume my recent weight gain or my very poor university diet has something to do with this. Seriously, it’ll be a miracle if my insides haven’t turned into noodles. The usual state of our residence kitchen kills whatever motivation I have to cook a decent meal and let me tell you, cleaning up after grown a$S men gets tiring at some point.
Or it could be that chilli infused avocado oil I've been using on my hair. But for real though, none of yall noticed the writing on the bottle in one of the pictures floating around the blog and found it odd? Couldn't give me a heads up? I was already halfway through the bottle when I noticed this mess. No wonder my face tingled when I used the oil to remove my makeup.





After taking my twists down and my usual wash, protein + moisture deep conditioning routine, air drying and 5 day break, I got another set of twists installed for a number of reasons.

  • I’m hella busy. I don’t have the time or energy to be re-twisting and braiding my hair every night.
  •   I’m protective styling for length retention and also to switch it up. I’ve been in my own hair for over a year now, I thinK I deserve a switch up
  • There’s a looota moisture in the air and shrunken hair don’t look good on me
  •  I work out and that means sweat which is moisture which shrinks hair, which doesn’t suit me 
  •  I have to wash my hair more often not that its warmer and I work out and I sweat, and washing hair shrinks it and shrunken hair don’t suit me so I need to keep it stretched while still having access to my scalp and and and. . .see where I’m going with this? Its a protective style life for me





For now, I’m going read up on some of my favourite natural hair bloggers and try to find some way to break this frustrating plateaux, moisturise and  massage my scalp more often and continue working out at the gym. I might even pop by dischem for some essential oils. I heard lavender, tea tree and rosemary oils do wonders for blood circulation and growth.
Has your hair ever hit a plateaux? How did you break it? Help igyal out with some recommendtions  in the comments.

See ya.


Monday, 19 September 2016

Going Back To The Gym. . .AGAIN

Hi. I'm a fat girl and I want to go back to the gym.
...and when the slurs turned into complements, it freaked me out and I stopped going to the gym all together.I just wanted to gain my weight back because I was having a hard time navigating people's newfound kindness towards me.

I get tired to quickly and easily, my skin isn't as glowy as it it used to be, my jeans don't fit me no more and there's this patch of hair that just refuses to grow at the same rate as the rest of my hair. I want to go back to working out and this time, I want to make it a commitment as a lifestyle.There I said it. The plus size girl wants to go back to the gym and stay there.This decision is by no means coming from a place 'hating' being a big girl or tired of being plus size but from a place of love for myself and my jeans. I have made 3 attempts at healthy-curves journey in the past 3 years, all of which have ended up in self sabotage.

To give you a bit of  a background, I first joined a gym when I first moved to Durban and exercised almost everyday for a few months and lost quite a bit of weight  working out alone. No pressure, no goals, just pushing my body and enjoying the endorphin highs. Inevitably the shape of my body and believe it or not face 'improved' due to the weight loss and I noticed a change in the way people interacted with and treated me. They were a whole lot nicer and I did not know why.  Being 17 years old and very awkward at the time, I had grown accustomed to a certain level of unpleasantness and hostility from people because of my looks, or lack thereof, and fully understood and accepted that I was societies zit on the forehead. My mantra was 'people who look better get treated better' and when the slurs turned into complements, it freaked me out and I stopped going to the gym all together. I just wanted to gain my weight back and wanted things to go back to the way they were before because I was having a hard time navigating people. I stopped working out and in about 4 months, things were 'back to normal' with a 10KG basela.




As an ugly ducklings it never occurred to me that I might 'glow up' into an okayish looking girl. My physical appearance didn't afford me the luxury of basic human empathy.The saying ''if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say it all'' didn't apply to me. People, strangers and otherwise coming up to me and calling me ugly and fat was a common occurrence. Why they thought I didn't know that is beyond me. I owned mirrors you know, not that I liked them but I owned them anyways. It was a filter. Navigating people was as simple (hard?) as guilty until proven innocent. My guard was always up. Everyone was a monster and anything otherwise was a very pleasant surprise. Basically, my appearance was a filter.
With my filter compromised, I had to do the manual labour of  paying attention to detail and reading into people who treated me with this sudden human decency and questioned their sincerity. I hated the fact that my changing physically was what earned me this newfound graciousness people suddenly had towards me and I wanted it to stop.Even if it cost me something that I had come to enjoy. And those endorphins. Those glorious feel good endorphins.


This cycle repeated itself two more times  (read here) all of which ended in self sabotage and between those time I have learned the importance of the psychological state of mind and have truly grown to love, respect and accept my body exactly the way it is right now, deliberately. As flawed as I am, I have never really hated my body and was and still am very aware of my flaws, I just didn't love it as deliberately as I should.As a measure that will force me to be consistent and not give in to the pressure of just quitting when people start being nicer again, I'm going to start incorporating fitness into my blog under the #healthycurves label that has been empty since  last year and also vlogging it on my channel.



And now, to explore this fat guilt I'm feeling for the contradiction that is preaching body positivity and fat acceptance why outchea hlasering my mafutha's. . .somebody please help me unfuck my mind. Maybe I'll do a blog post about it so go ahead and subscribe to the blog ye gyal.
See ya.

Friday, 26 August 2016

Friday ootd : Sporty chic Goon

The last time this skirt made an appearance on my blog, it was styled with a white off the shoulder top, some gladiator sandals and a very poorly fed afro puff held back by a headband I have since banished from my belongings. I know I want to try this girly girl thing but floral? really? It might have worked with bigger hair but the look was downright mediocre and for what it was worth, I didn't do it any justice. Seriously, that thing cost me an arm and a leg, it was the only skirt of its kind at the time, what was I supposed to do?

Look, I have to try this clubbing thing, do it right and see if I enjoy it. I don't want to be 30 tal'mbout 'Turn uuup!!'. nah, I need to get this out of my system now. . .you know, after I find it, that is if its even in there. What is ''it'' vele? smh

Well, I'm glad to say that its back and has give me my moneys worth.This time, I styled it with this loose mesh tee I picked up from Mr price the other day. I made a mental note to keep the price tag on at the time because I honestly did not know how I was going to make it work. It reminded me of those mesh vests abo knife wielding malume goons pair with those blue pants except, you know, bigger holes. I really hated those, handwashing them is no joke! Anyways, it was only when I tried it on with some stuff from legit when I actually saw that it could work. Now I'm praying I find a  black one. It would just be. . .yeeeses!!












Now the plan for this outfit was to wear it on campus during the day, shoot as many clips as I possibly can for my upcoming ''I need advice'' social experiment series, turn up edition and transition it into a night time clubbing outfit, vlog it and have a chit chat video about my experience.  Look, I have to try this clubbing thing, do it right and see if I enjoy it. I don't want to be 30 tal'mbout 'Turn uuup!!'. nah, I need to get this out of my system now. . .you know, after I find it, that is if its even in there. What is ''it'' vele? smh. See why I need to do this 'I need advice' series? The art of turning up is not one to be gone into as blindly as I did today when I rocked up alone, without a game plan, without a squad and without a hype. There was no performance lineup, no flyers, fokol! I didn't even make it into the damn place.  *sigh* Go ahead, laugh at me. I know you want to. I failed. Again.
That's kinda how I managed to get time to even write this post.

So here I am, sporty chic goonin, right pumpkin flourishing and all that. *cues bula boot by Priddy ugly*





Are you caving the shoes though? I Don't know what they are called but combat boots took away from the sporty look I was trying to go for.  These kinda say 'yeah I'm chilled but if sh*t pops off, I'm ready to 
a) pop off too.
b) run. That right, run. Our racist neighbours dog ensure my daily training. You know, white people, we're going to have to talk about your dogs eventually.
These I picked up at legit. Now the only Thing missing from my little creation is my knobkerrie Malcolm X the enforcer. I hope I find I soon.
So what do you think? how would you have styled this top and skirt?

Stay blessed. . .I mean by God or the universe. Although I'm not one to judge if you prefer a worldly blesser. Okay, I need a new ending phrase. help?