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Monday, 19 September 2016

Going Back To The Gym. . .AGAIN

Hi. I'm a fat girl and I want to go back to the gym.

...and when the slurs turned into complements, it freaked me out and I stopped going to the gym all together.I just wanted to gain my weight back because I was having a hard time navigating people's newfound kindness towards me.


I get tired to quickly and easily, my skin isn't as glowy as it it used to be, my jeans don't fit me no more and there's this patch of hair that just refuses to grow at the same rate as the rest of my hair. I want to go back to working out and this time, I want to make it a commitment as a lifestyle.There I said it. The plus size girl wants to go back to the gym and stay there.This decision is by no means coming from a place 'hating' being a big girl or tired of being plus size but from a place of love for myself and my jeans. I have made 3 attempts at healthy-curves journey in the past 3 years, all of which have ended up in self sabotage.

To give you a bit of  a background, I first joined a gym when I first moved to Durban and exercised almost everyday for a few months and lost quite a bit of weight  working out alone. No pressure, no goals, just pushing my body and enjoying the endorphin highs. Inevitably the shape of my body and believe it or not face 'improved' due to the weight loss and I noticed a change in the way people interacted with and treated me. They were a whole lot nicer and I did not know why.  Being 17 years old and very awkward at the time, I had grown accustomed to a certain level of unpleasantness and hostility from people because of my looks, or lack thereof, and fully understood and accepted that I was societies zit on the forehead. My mantra was 'people who look better get treated better' and when the slurs turned into complements, it freaked me out and I stopped going to the gym all together. I just wanted to gain my weight back and wanted things to go back to the way they were before because I was having a hard time navigating people. I stopped working out and in about 4 months, things were 'back to normal' with a 10KG basela.




As an ugly ducklings it never occurred to me that I might 'glow up' into an okayish looking girl. My physical appearance didn't afford me the luxury of basic human empathy.The saying ''if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say it all'' didn't apply to me. People, strangers and otherwise coming up to me and calling me ugly and fat was a common occurrence. Why they thought I didn't know that is beyond me. I owned mirrors you know, not that I liked them but I owned them anyways. It was a filter. Navigating people was as simple (hard?) as guilty until proven innocent. My guard was always up. Everyone was a monster and anything otherwise was a very pleasant surprise. Basically, my appearance was a filter.
With my filter compromised, I had to do the manual labour of  paying attention to detail and reading into people who treated me with this sudden human decency and questioned their sincerity. I hated the fact that my changing physically was what earned me this newfound graciousness people suddenly had towards me and I wanted it to stop.Even if it cost me something that I had come to enjoy. And those endorphins. Those glorious feel good endorphins.


This cycle repeated itself two more times  (read here) all of which ended in self sabotage and between those time I have learned the importance of the psychological state of mind and have truly grown to love, respect and accept my body exactly the way it is right now, deliberately. As flawed as I am, I have never really hated my body and was and still am very aware of my flaws, I just didn't love it as deliberately as I should.As a measure that will force me to be consistent and not give in to the pressure of just quitting when people start being nicer again, I'm going to start incorporating fitness into my blog under the #healthycurves label that has been empty since  last year and also vlogging it on my channel.



And now, to explore this fat guilt I'm feeling for the contradiction that is preaching body positivity and fat acceptance why outchea hlasering my mafutha's. . .somebody please help me unfuck my mind. Maybe I'll do a blog post about it so go ahead and click here to subscribe to the blog ye gyal.
See ya.

8 comments:

  1. I know what you are talking about. Weight for me has been one obstacle I have been trying to tackle. I eat healthy and start exercising I still find it hard to lose the amount that I need. So I am now trying to prevent gaining anymore if I cannot lose any
    www.sindisosdiary.blogspot.com

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    1. I feel so bad for saying this but for me, i wasn't really worried about the scale, I didn't really have a goal like that but now i do. Those cothes are too cute not to be worn again this summer. i love those jeans bathong! Thanks for stopping by boo.

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  2. I'm lacking motivation but because I have stopped exercising I now realise that I am always tired, my moods are also not so great and my jeans...I miss being able to breathe in my jeans

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    1. I know the feeling. I take my camera with me. I don't know what it is about it but it always gives me more incentive to go. never really use it inside though.

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  4. I think it's boring that each time fat peope (especially those who have been vocal o acceptin their fat) have to so these big ass disclaimers when talking about exercise.

    Other thoughts:
    1. People are trash
    2. Beauty has done an excellent job of alienating us. Particularly those of us who don't have it ncam but are still out here.
    3. Fuck herbex.
    4. I hope this doesn't become a fitness blog (which it can because you get to choose what it is) but think abour ME i only have like two local blogs that aren't contrived messes
    4. I wish you all the endorphins, mntase.

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    1. ewu bruh. kusleg buitekant. just learned now that people shouldn't even be in the equation when solving the x that is life. where are they now that I can't even hike halfway to my fave spot at eagles nest or fit into my jeans anymore?.
      yaaaa the fitness thing. . .it would be a way to force myself to brace and face people and basically not allow my membership shmoney to just go like that but then again, i also don't wanna push readers away. korwa i doubt yazi.
      and yeah, herbex can just go fly off a cliff. the endorphins babes! its like morning coffee. sure I spend the whole day sitting on a broken bum but i can handle stuff and people much better.

      pssst (be sure to alert me if my blog has the makings of a contrived mess, igyal iyayithanda i feedback ne constructive criticism)

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    2. That last sentence, mntase. Hahahah! <333

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